Evelyn Jagpat

Learn from these three famous women lessons in overcoming shame, with Dr. Eve Jagpat

Evelyn Jagpat, Psy.D.

Having recurring and often crippling fears and insecurities may seem like a natural part of life for sexual abuse and trauma survivors.  Some survivors may never make the connection to their experiences of trauma.  They may simply think they are terrible at handling life stressors or may feel caged and trapped in a pattern of responding which seems impossible to control or sometimes to predict.  Often, many survivors simply attribute this to personal short-comings and personal deficiencies, which simply contributes to experiencing even more crippling fear and a self-deprecating sense of shame, lack of confidence and inadequacy.

Fear can be present at anytime, in any place and in any situation.  However, you don’t have to stay trapped in a negative cycle.  There are practical strategies you can use to help you lessen and even alleviate your personal fear reactions and your building sense feeling insecure.

Practical Strategies For Dealing With Fear and Insecurities

1. Build self-awareness.  Been here before?  First thing’s first.  Take a series of slow, deep breaths.  Then, do a self check-in.  Does it seem like you are stuck in a familiar pattern of behaviors, reactions, emotions, physical body responses and sensations, perceptions, thinking, and interactions with people?  Does it all seem intense or difficult to contain or manage?  Does it feel like you can’t come to a sense of calm or peace very easily?  If you answered yes to any of these, then you are likely responding in a fear induced way or to some stimuli that results in you feeling insecure.  Knowledge is power.  Instead of feeling frustrated or stuck, you can choose to use this information differently.
2. Assess the situation.  Are you at threat or in harm’s way?  Is this an emergency situation?  Is the possible threat real or imagined?  Are you over-anticipating harm or danger when no real threat exists?  Is there less potential harm or impact than what you imagine or predict?  Has this type of situation ever resulted in a bad outcome for you?  If you assess that you are safe, then remind yourself of this by making the simple statement, “I am safe.”
3. Remember, you can be proactive and address anticipated complications.  How can you reduce risk or manage a potential problem so you can be safe?  Think of concrete things you may do.  Who may be able to assist you now in doing this?  Is there an alternative action you can take?  What has worked before for yourself or others?  What of this can you apply to this situation?
4. Let’s get our bodies working for us in creating a sense of peace.  It is always a good rule of thumb to relax and calm our bodies in an effort to minimize fear and anxiety.  You can do this by engaging in deep breathing.  You may also ground yourself by reorienting mindfully in appreciation of the present and everything around you.  This is very simple.  Focus on connecting gently with your present environment by engaging all of your 5 senses.  For example, what is your scenery or what objects are present.  Connect with colors, sounds, smells, tastes and the feel of things all around you (for example, the texture of an object or the feel of a leaf on a tree.  Take your time to become more aware and present in the experience.  Focus on now instead of the future or the past.
5. Warning Flag moment.  If you find yourself in  familiar pattern without real threat this may indicate that you are caught in a spiral of negative thinking.  One practical strategy to apply is to change your mindset.  Realize your reaction is triggered by your thinking.  What specific statements may you be telling yourself about yourself, your abilities, your worth, the situation, the future, how people will react, how you anticipate others will respond, the likelihood of positive results, anticipated failure or the present situation?  What is your specific fear induced thinking?  Are you linking the present to thoughts related to past events, such as prior sexual abuse?  Do you have beliefs which drive your reactions?  For some this may include having thoughts about deserving to be punished or feeling like there will never be an escape in a bad situation or believing that you will always experience disappointment and hurt in relationships.  If this is the case.  It’s time to change your mindset indeed!  These are all fear driven, trauma focused maladaptive and basically false or untrue thinking patterns.  They are dangerous because they potentially serve as self-fulfilling prophecies and produce fear and insecurities if they go unchecked and unchallenged.
6.  Check the accuracy of your thought.  What evidence supports and refutes it?  Do you think it only applies to you and not others? If so, it is likely false.  Do you recognize if there is a pattern of thinking present, for example, predicting a bad future all the time or believing no one loves you or that something bad will happen?  This is another red-flag moment which signals a destructive thinking pattern.  Take a 180 and consider it from another perspective.  What more reality based and more evidenced based thought may replace the negative or questionable thought?
7. Accept with gratitude God’s love for you, despite your past or your short-comings.  Connect with his love and his presence via prayer, spiritual meditation or imagining the serenity of a beautiful scenery where the beauty of his creation is evident (like a beautiful, quiet botanical garden, a beach or ocean scene, or something else).  Recall that God promises that his peace is with you and that it surpasses all of your fears and troubles.  You may integrate deep breathing and imagery while doing this also.  Understand that you are not alone and God is available to help you.  Again, call on him, and invite his presence as you sit still in a private place.  Embrace and appreciate that no situation is too much for God.  Experience the peace and joy you have in the connection with him.
8. Remember how wonderful you are.  Always recall, you can use even the worst events in your life to make you better and stronger.  Even your mistakes can be used for good and you can learn from them.  Further, you are capable and skilled at dealing with adversity because you are resilient and have already survived the trauma of sexual abuse!
9. Find a way to celebrate a moment each day in grateful appreciation for your life, people who care about you, your manifested blessings (eg. your health, the positive aspects of your life, a job, a place to live, food, even this moment right now).
10. Always remember, you are not alone.  There are others like you.  Others can relate to what you have been through and what you struggle with now.  You are essentially one of many strong and powerful survivors.  Do reach out for help.  You do not have to go through this on your own.  Help is available.